The possibility of an easier pregnancy

I am seven months pregnant with my first baby. This is the first time I’ve been pregnant and I’ll be 34 when I have this kid. I’m happy to be older having a baby because I’ve had a chance to do many things and grow stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think these things have an influence on how my pregnancy has gone so far as I would say I haven’t had a super hard time in my pregnancy so far and I’m almost at the end. I didn’t get the crazy morning sickness, no swelling, no excessive weight gain or gestational diabetes and I’m planning on a natural birth. I tried thinking of the reasons my pregnancy has been so easy compared to other experiences, and I can’t help but think it’s been due to a few key reasons that I’ll list below.

Here are my tips for an easier pregnancy:

1. Do Yoga & Exercise
If you are pregnant, start doing it and even better yet, if you aren’t pregnant, start doing it. Yoga is one of the best tools you can equip yourself with. You will learn postures to alleviate pain, calm your mind, and prepare your body for all the changes it will go through during pregnancy, from back pain, stretching ligaments, or just plain calming that monkey mind. Yoga is key! You have to do it and start it as early as possible. If you don’t do yoga, then walk. Everyday. 30 minutes. Go on Youtube and do a prenatal workout or yoga. You don’t have to go to the gym. You could stay right in your home. Know that if you exercise, you keep energy flowing and condition your body to stay strong. You are going to need to be strong for your childbirth. Don’t be afraid to move your ass. You don’t have to run a marathon but you can’t blob out on the couch everyday. Baby needs oxygen and endorphins too. I would say just chill in the first  trimester though as the baby is implanting still and you probably won’t feel so hot because you might be nauseous and tired all the time, but once your little one is firmly secured in your womb and you are feeling better, you are good to go with the moves.

2. Eat plant based and drink a fuck ton of water
I know you have heard this a lot. Eat right. But really. Eating right is going to help you have an easier time in pregnancy because if you eat the right stuff, your body is going to function optimally. It is essential to get your vitamins from green plants. Kale, spinach, collards, all have essential vitamins and minerals and protein. There are so many things that they test you for in pregnancy via your blood and piss. They are looking for high sugar levels and gestational diabetes, protein in your urine, utis, you name it. Eating plant based and drinking tons of water is going to help you avoid bloating, heartburn, preeclampsia, swollen limbs, and give the baby optimal nutrients.
Yea, you need extra protein but you can get protein from sources other than meat because if you eat too much meat, you will probably be filled with salt and fat and this could make you bloat and swell. Eat the plants first. Have a bit of meat and dairy if you need it and avoid processed sugar. Have some control. This is a chance to strengthen your mind muscles that you are going to need in labor and as a parent in general. You don’t have to give in to cravings and if you have cravings, it probably means something is out of balance in your body. Yea, drink a fuck ton of water. The baby needs it. You need it. Don’t play with your water intake. Drink at least 3 liters a day. This helps with hydration of course but also peeing a lot means that you are keeping your urinary tract clean and you will get less cramping and Braxton hicks if you are well hydrated.

3. Talk about it
You are going to have tons of emotions and thoughts as a pregnant person. Sometimes people don’t always want to hear you and your long list of worries because they don’t have time. It’s important to express yourself even if you don’t always have someone to talk to and you can do this in a number of ways–a personal pregnancy journal or vlog, or join a mom online group like “Momlife” or an actual support group where you can meet other mommies to be. Prenatal yoga or exercise classes are a great place to meet new mamas. You will also meet them in your prenatal birth classes and such. It’s also very important to make time to talk with your partner about everything under the sun. You guys need to get on the same page about this pregnancy and squash as much drama as you can to get closer. Believe me, my partner and I are not perfection, but we take the time to talk about our concerns and issues. It’ll bring you closer. Don’t be afraid to open up, otherwise it’ll be another thing you are holding onto that could make your pregnancy and birth tough. Let it go. Talk it out.

4.  Hole Up

This is a tip about getting close to your partner and establishing your family unit. Sure, you are part of a bigger family, but really you are starting your own colony here. You and your partner. That’s it. That means that you don’t have to do things the way others did or listen to other people who think they know what’s best for you. Only you and your partner know what’s best for you. Getting solid with your partner is key. Sometimes staying away from others and their opinions and energies is the best way to do this. It doesn’t have to be lonely because not all solitude need be lonely. You and your partner need to hole up and get close. If not now then when? Eventually you will come out of this hole and be joined with family and friends and this little baby who will always be a part of you two. So, it’s important to be alone, love the quiet, get close, be a team. Remember the sacred act of lovemaking that created this life. Only you and another made this happen. Not his/her mom or his/her friends. Just you two.

5. Be Positive

There is a lot of fear mongering around pregnancy and childbirth. People love to tell you all sorts of shit that goes wrong or complications people have and what you need to do. Honestly, all you need to do is have a plan in your mind and heart for what you want, and hold strong to that. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tuned out people when they start talking about things that aren’t completely positive and uplifting. You don’t need to listen to people who tell you “how it is” and assume that’s how it’s going to be for you. They don’t know. Chances are what your mind is thinking of will happen. If you mind is worried about this or that always, chances are that thing you fear the most is going to happen. Don’t let outside forces control your pregnancy and birth outcome. Hold strong to what it is you want. You want to feel good in your pregnancy? Tell yourself that you are strong and born for this. You want to believe that everything is fine and well in your world? It is. Hold the positive thoughts and forget about everything else. This is a part of controlling your own experience. People can say what they want. You can too.

6. Get Educated

You just have to. Otherwise you will be at the mercy of people’s past experiences and the over culture’s. Just because your mom and grandma had gestational diabetes and medicated births doesn’t mean you have to!! Education is one way to eliminate fear in pregnancy and childbirth. Read everything that interests you. It’ll help keep your mind from going down the worried paths and help inform you about options for labor, healthy pregnancy, and know that this is something people have been doing for centuries without medical aid and intervention.

Well, I hope this was informative, thought-provoking, helpful, any or all of the above. I am overjoyed to share my experiences with anyone who is going through pregnancy or just wants to come along for the ride. It doesn’t have to be hard. I think being healthy and doing alternative things has a lot to do with how your pregnancy will turn out. I’m not perfect. I’m just a person who likes doing things differently because I don’t agree with societal norms. There are instances where this pays off and in pregnancy, it seems to be one of them.

Books and resources I recommend:

The Business of Being Born

Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth

Husband-Coached Childbirth (Fifth Edition): The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth

Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, 10th edition

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5 ways to Compost emotions

In the spirit of cleansing out/cleaning for the new year, I went through my internet favorites bar, deciding what I was still interested in, had done or already read, and I came across this article “How to grieve, rage, and move on,” by Dr. Christiane Northrup about healing from our drama from the past. We always hear that phrase, let it go, move on, but we all know it’s much easier said than done. Well, this article was very informative. It actually provided some steps to moving on and dealing with our emotions.

What I mainly took away from this article was that everyone has crap they have to deal with in life, but you can choose to use your crap for good and help new things grow/develop. That’s the basic gist of composting. You take scraps and old food that you aren’t going to use and put it in a big bin/container with water, dried up leaves or paper, and air flow. Months later, you have fresh, enriched soil that you can use in your garden to make your new plants grow. It hadn’t occurred to me until today that this idea of composting can totally be applied to our emotions/ideas as well.

I’m a huge fan of recycling/composting. I think it’s great to be able to use our trash. What an amazing thing to be able to  apply the composting process with our old crappy memories, emotions, ideas!

We don’t keep trash in our houses, so why do we hang onto old emotions  in our mind’s house?  Just like trash, old emotions probably smell like hardcore shit and are rotting inside of us unnecessarily. What loves shit? Flies, bugs, that create worms, maggots, disgusting creatures that love to feed off of our old crappy emotions/ideas/baggage/pain, you name it from the past.

This became one of my goals for the new year, to compost my old ideas/emotions and get them out of my house/body/mind and put them in a place where they can be re-used rather than stored in my body or mind’s house.

What are ways we can compost our old ideas?

  1. Create.  I’ve done this a few times to deal with pain. I put traumatic experiences in my stories. I’ve had some crazy things happen to me, so what better way to re-purpose this than to put the drama into a fiction story. Hey, it has another life now and it’s no longer just part of my secret dramatic history. It can serve as entertainment or even a lesson for someone else to learn from my mistakes. Point is, it no longer just lives in me. It’s somewhere else.
  2. Exercise. Ever feel like punching/kicking something because you’re mad? Well, take up kickboxing or invest in a punching bag. This rage can help you get into shape. Don’t let it stay in your body.
  3. Give/Help. Don’t know what to do? Think about other people who have way less than you do. If you aren’t on the street, you have a lot. There’s nothing more humbling than volunteering your time to give/help someone who needs it by buying someone a meal, helping ESL learners learn to read, volunteering at a soup kitchen or even just donating your old stuff to Goodwill or letting someone crash on your couch. Giving is never unnoticed by the universe. We never lose anything we give away for free. It’ll come back to us in another way whether it means we’ve learned to let go or gave someone much needed warmth in the form of a coat or pair of shoes.
  4. Gratitude. Easy way to put you in your place and ground you. There are so many things we take for granted like the ability to breathe, have a roof over our heads, shoes on our feet, all our limbs, a job, a family, 20/20 vision, education, you name it. Make a list of five things you are grateful for every morning before you get out of bed. It’ll definitely change your perspective.
  5. Learn something new/be better. We aren’t defined by our past. We can definitely choose to be better. To learn alternative methods to healing and living a better life than maybe our parents did or those around us. We can always pull out old, rotting ideas that don’t serve us. Learning does this. We replace old ideas with new ones that are better, that feed us and others. This concept we learn easily in gardening. Maybe you choose to learn about composting. What could be greater and more symbolic than to actually understand the traditional idea of composting? You can literally see the process happening with old food and leaves/grass from your house. If you don’t have room for that in your own living space, it’s definitely beneficial to learn how to do this somewhere else such as volunteering in a community garden or even just researching online. Gardening is a gift. It shows us so much about the cycle of life and how anything in nature grows. It’s the same for us. We aren’t some mysterious being that is above nature. We require nearly the same things plants need to grow/thrive. Understanding this is life changing. I invite you to make the time for this.

 

 

 

Re-growing food from scraps

I am obsessed with gardening.

If you would have told me this was going to happen a year ago, I would have thought you were crazy, but now I’m a freaking gardener and loving every minute. My hands are always dirty, I find my heart skipping a beat every time I see a Home Depot or nursery, and I’m always thinking about my gardens, my kids, and what I can grow next.

Since I now have four gardens I work in,  I have to plan lessons each week and find myself buying plants regularly. I do have a stipend to buy supplies, but I think it’s even cooler to be able to use already existing plants and scraps to re-grow things.

A few weeks ago I planted garlic in one of my gardens and it’s been growing nicely.

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I was blown away that I could plant garlic from one clove. I have been doing research on what can be re-grown and I’m currently experimenting with ginger, celery, basil, and onions. All you really have to do is stick the roots in water or back in the ground and they will grow right back up! Amazing shit and what’s even cooler is that these veggies are staples that are beneficial to health and if eaten regularly, can prevent sickness.

This is the season when everyone is getting sick because of weather changes. Immune systems go haywire. I know mine did. I was getting sick but decided to drug myself with ginger and garlic. I didn’t get full-on sick. I stopped it in its tracks and feel so much better for doing so. I see people around me using drugs like Claritin and Nyquil and it’s just not helpful. Not only will these drugs make you tired, they will also delay the recovery process.

So think twice before you douse yourself with these medicines. The real medicine is the food we eat that’s loaded with natural vitamins essential to our health.

Times are changing and we may just need to know how to feed ourselves when we have no markets or restaurants. We will need to know how to grow our own food, utilizing every source of energy, making natural living a sustainable, viable way of life. This is the direction that truly saves, inspires, re-energizes.

Gardening can teach you this. I was the least likely person to garden, but learning gardening re-enforces sustainable living, a sense of union with the community and kindness and peace within. It can heal. That’s what’s fascinating about using old food scraps. You can grow something out of an organism that we would normally throw away. Everything operates in a cycle. Life, death, rebirth. It’s amazing so think of everything in this way.

Another metaphoric lesson in gardening: preventing abusive environments

So I was driving home from one of the school gardens I work in, deep in thought about “Figaro,” a certain Fig tree we transplanted last week (The kids gave him that name). I’m often deep in thought after leaving this particular garden because it needs so much work. Since I only visit it once a week, I hate to leave because it’s like my child that I can’t see every day. I can only hope the children and teachers are treating it right in my absence.

When I came to this garden a little over a month ago, I was super overwhelmed by the overgrown grass, weeds, and dead plants. When we started removing the plants and checking out the soil to plant new things, we discovered root maggots! It has definitely been a challenge working with these bugs, to say the least.

I started thinking about soil, how it’s the most important element for all life forms to grow in. Everything starts in the soil and if it’s infected with harmful pests, it can really stunt growth.

I thought of Figaro and wondered if he was experiencing root shock because he came from a very nice garden and the Garden Ranger there only pulled him out to make room for new stuff to grow since they already had two large fig trees growing. Instead of throwing him away, I decided to re-plant him in this particular garden of mine that’s in much need of anything to grow in it.

I imagined Figaro’s tiny roots in new soil and hoped that he wasn’t too scared in this environment. I hoped that I removed enough of the root maggots in previous weeks so that they wouldn’t hurt him. I imagined him like an orphan or foster kid who might get placed in a new home with possibly strange, maggot-like parents/forces that might eat away at his roots/essence.

I began to wonder how many children are born or placed into infested soil and what effect this has on their development.

It’s not their fault. A root maggot didn’t ask to be born, same way as an abuser didn’t ask to be born into a poor home environment.  Everything starts in the soil/home, and if the home is jacked up, can you really expect something healthy to grow?

I began to think of the ways in which we can prevent abusive homes a.k.a. infested/damaging soil so that damaging pests and creatures do not grow and harm our future growing youth. This is what I really stand for, what I really aim to accomplish in my life here on this planet. I want to created places for all living things to grow in healthy, nourishing soil.

It was clear to me today that the solution is in prevention when possible. If the soil is not healthy, we must fix it. It’s never too late. The best way is to prevent conditions in which pests can be born. After doing some research on how to deal with root maggots, it is recommended /suggested that we remove dead plants and rotate them in and out with every changing season. I think this idea of constantly creating/constantly recycling every season, planting certain things like Marigolds and onions that discourage the growth of these pests, is the best way to go.

Pesticide and harmful chemicals is the easy way to deal with problems, much like what this country has done to many of its perpetrators by throwing people in jail or sending them to the electric chair. It doesn’t solve the underlying problem, doesn’t begin to get to the root cause. That’s what our society really needs.

Nobody had been in my garden for many many months and so many things were dead and not growing. When things don’t grow and are not removed, that’s when the flies come and lay their eggs and create the ugly pests that make sure no life can ever grow.

Neglect, lack of knowledge, create these problems. Same things in abusive homes.

Gardening has always shown me so much. Lessons that I need to learn exactly when I need to learn them.

I was a basic gardener early this year, but now that I’m a Garden Ranger, I am the one in charge, the one who decides what we do with our gardens, what we teach our children. I’m the one who has to fix the problems and bring the solutions, rallying the children, teachers, and the community to make this group effort sustainable, flourishing, beautiful. It’s a learning/teaching experience for us all.

The key is to never stop creating, never stop growing. To always keep the cycle of life flowing, we must spend every day caring because who else will?  It’s not a simple solution that can be fixed with one operation, one pill, one treatment of pesticide, with a jail sentence.

Our society needs to care. It’s just as simple as that. This is what we need to be teaching children. This is what children respond to.

What we do with our hands

So the other day I was looking at my instagram and saw this post by one of my favorite people, Julien Kang, an inspirational mma fighter/actor/model who also happens to be very handsome 🙂 . He listed the hashtag, “realman” so I checked it out and saw all these cool posts about what some people think it means to be a “real man.” I really like this one…

“If your boyfriend’s hands don’t look like this, you’ve got a girlfriend.”

I know it was sexist and grammatically incorrect (if you look at the link),but it really got me to think about hands and the different ways each of us uses them.

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I work in community gardens, so most of the time, my hands are dirty. I often think about prehistoric times, how we used to spend our time gardening and getting/growing our food, then eating it. We were way more physical then. Growing/gathering food was our work. We didn’t spend our time thinking about exercise or trying to fit it into our day because our day consisted of laborious activities all around survival and eating food was the reward, the end game. Now, we don’t do that because most of us don’t have to grow our own food or kill wild animals and even prepare our own food. This very simple fact has changed the way we use our hands.

So many of us now sit at desks and type away at computers and phones, pads, whatever. I was super resistant to this change in society for so long because I didn’t like that people are now so dependent on technology for everything and it has contributed to so many health problems all stemming from the fact that we just aren’t as active as we used to be and need to be. After starting a social media internship with a very cool, hip, young lady, I’m coming out of the prehistoric ages and have realized just how essential it is to roll with the times. Still, we must be aware of how we use or don’t use our hands.

Are we really aware of how we use our hands every day?

I have always loved to work with my hands. I started playing music at a young age and continued until I was about 18, but still play every now and then. I was into dark room photography, film, writing, scrap-booking, cooking. Mostly my hands have been used for artistic endeavors. It’s where I feel the most productive.

Lately, I’ve been using my hands for gardening, for learning, for planning. It’s a different time. A phase right now where I haven’t been as creative like I used to, but still getting work done nonetheless.

Our hands are direct communicators with our hearts and minds. I have asked myself in the past, if I was happy with what my hands were doing. When I feel like I can say yes, then I know I’m on the right track.

Are you using your hands for good? Service? Love? Or are you using your hands for hate? Abuse? Out of fear?

Are you using your hands to be productive? Or non-productive?

Lately, I’ve been spread really, really thin, juggling multiple jobs/dreams/people.

I find myself having to think about every action I do. Does it bring me joy? Is it useful? Is it productive?

Look at your hands. It’s an easy way to bring you back into the present moment, if maybe for a second or a few minutes, you are feeling out of sorts. Look at your hands. What are they doing? Are they active in a positive, loving way that serves? Or are they idle and destructive?

I know I want to go out of this world with my hands dirty because I worked hard to help others. I want to know that I used my hands well and people were able to get something out of my hands’ hard-working efforts. That’s who I am. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am a productive, positive person who may at times pile many things onto my plate, but will always live a life of service, a life of love and gratitude. I have way too much to LIVE for.

I find that when we have idle hands, evil breeds. Keep your hands busy doing something that serves, that provides love, nourishment, comfort, growth. You will immediately feel uplifted even more.

Hands are powerful tools. Make the right choice and use them wisely.

Meditation challenge: at the beach, off the phone

So today I decided to turn my phone off completely for hours. I got a text early in the morning during my drive to my friend’s house and ignored it because I didn’t feel like responding. I was thinking, driving, just being in my present moment.

I got to my friend’s house and we took off to go hiking in Malibu to see some waterfalls (something I’ve been wanting to do for years). Once I got to my friend’s house I decided to turn off my phone as more text messages flooded in. I only turned it on to take some pictures once we reached our destination, then turned it back off again.

We spontaneously decided to go to the beach and I wore my pink underwear and her tank top because I didn’t have a bathing suit! It was this little hole in the wall location totally away from most people. We had to climb through a hole in a fence and down some cliffs to get there but it was totally worth the danger and spontaneity. I laid down after enjoying the water and closed my eyes. I remembered how I am doing a meditation challenge and decided that I wasn’t going to let my location stop me.

I remember my late uncle, Paul, meditating any place he could. He would do it while riding in the back seat of cars, just anywhere he could. So I closed my eyes and started my deep breathing in and out and began counting. Any time thoughts came into my head, I decided to say to myself that I am loved, that I’m here. I love myself, I kept saying. I’m taking care of myself, I kept saying. I let myself take in the warm sun and the soothing sounds of the ocean, and was grateful for the spontaneous day, for my lively girl friend, and for the opportunity to be where I was. I took care of myself today. I kept my phone off. I did what my heart wanted and it felt so great.

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Meditation Challenge: Body Insights and being present

So I think I know why I don’t like meditating. It activates the core and my core isn’t that strong. I mean, my back is strong, but the front half, nope. I ain’t even gonna lie.

I learned a technique over the weekend that really worked for me. We were guided in a meditation to breathe in for four counts and breathe out for six counts. Focusing on the counting helped me to block out all other thoughts for a bit, but they still came through. I would just go back to my counting and breathing, getting more and more into my present moment. Yea, and my present moment brought up uncomfortable sensations like tension on the right side of my back and neck. I guess I hold tension more so on that side? I became aware of that, as well as thoughts about relationships and work. They were things that were really bothering me though.

So I began to ask for guidance. I kept hearing a voice say, “you are here.”

Yesterday I experienced so much worry because I wasn’t being present. I was thinking about things that weren’t affecting my present moment, mostly things from the past that had bothered me. Today, it was the same thing, but the difference is that I became aware of just how much I was letting my past influence my present and it literally hurt.

So, just being here, with what I have right now is how I must face the rest of the day. Anything that is bothersome to the mind comes from memory and it can ruin the day to continue living there. I ask myself these questions: What can I learn from my present moment? How can I serve in my present moment? How can I strengthen my core in my present moment?

Meditation Challenge

I like regimented things because I’m anything but. I’m a total free spirit, messy, spur of the moment kind of girl, but when I actually make a commitment, I’ll follow through to the end.

Over the weekend I attended a yoga teacher training and as part of the training, we of course did yoga and meditated. I am a regular yoga practitioner, but not a regular meditator. I’ll meditate when I get really stressed out and have no choice but to close my eyes and attempt to shut my mind up.

Meditating this weekend felt absolutely magical. It’s like real medicine. I’ve often heard that some of the brightest minds meditate, like one of my favorite comic writers/storytellers, Grant Morrison. I admire his work so much and I think that it’s probably meditation that has allowed all those crazy, out-of-the box ideas to flourish and become raw, new, thoughtful stories.

When I write I try to organize my thoughts before I even start writing, and sometimes I get really caught up in the outline, so much so that the story isn’t allowed to breathe or have a mind of its own. I think with meditation, a project is given the freedom to be what the universe wants it to be, not what I want it to be, or what some editor thinks it should be.

So my new challenge to myself is this, to meditate for ten minutes every day, for oh, maybe a month? Think that’s enough time? Yea. A month.

I meditated this morning for ten minutes and asked myself these questions that I’ve heard from the Course in Miracles: Where will you have me go? What will you have me do? What will you have me say and to whom?

I know the meditation is working already. I feel a bit more directed in my day.

Living my yoga

This week has been one of those weeks. A great one! So many things are coming together and it feels amazing. My energy is brimming over and my light is strong within, so with that spirit, I write today.

What I’m experiencing lately is releasing expectations and attachment to result. When we hope for the best and forget the rest, life becomes quite magical.

So, I’ve been practicing Bikram Yoga consistently for over five years now. It’s the great love of my life. When you love something, you want to do something more with it, like give back to your community.

So, I was planning to go to teacher training this year, and it’s still one of my goals, but now the Bikram trainings are in different parts of the world, like last year they were in Thailand. I applied for a teacher training scholarship but didn’t get it so I know that I will have to pay for it out of my own pocket if I plan on going, and I just don’t know if I want to fork out that much money right now. I am planning on traveling and I just bought a car, so I’m kinda, eh about it. I would totally pay the money if they were going to a country I wanted to visit like India or Bali, but not Thailand. It’s just not a place I want to go right now, so I’m waiting to see where the next Bikram training will be, and planning accordingly, but I still want to do something with yoga in the meantime.

One of my favorite yoga instructors started this organization called Uprising Yoga that brings yoga to incarcerated youth in juvenile hall. They held a teacher training this weekend and I went. I can’t tell you how inspired I was this weekend by all the yoga teachers and social service and medical professionals who are committed to making a real difference in people’s lives.

When I was fifteen years old, I fell in love with yoga and ten years later when I stepped into the hot room, I fell madly in love with Bikram yoga. So here I am, at 30, ready to take on a new avenue in my life and that’s teaching yoga. I never thought that one day I would be a yoga instructor. Life really is about embracing passions and being completely open to the universe. It’s so funny, my old passions are surfacing lately. I’m embracing something I fell in love with at 15: yoga. I’m also dating someone I was in love with at 15 as well and that’s going good too. We go through life and we do what we do, learn what we need to. It might not always make sense but we just have to be open to it.

Nothing happens by accident. I’m just very grateful to be where I am, working in the holistic health field. Things are coming together slowly but surely.

I’ll be honest though. This weekend I did a lot of meditation as part of the training and it really opened a doorway into my soul in that I am open to many possibilities for my career, so I know I need to make a choice soon. Something is brewing within me. I’m going to try something and that’s meditation every morning and see if that helps my clarity. One of the things I learned in the training this weekend is just how powerful mindful meditation is. We can be ruled by our minds. As a writer, I live in my mind with my characters and worst possible scenario plot points. It’s enough to drive one wild, so meditation is my new experiment.

Again yoga has opened doors for me. I’ve said it many times before and after this weekend I am sure that yoga is the great love of my life.

Feminist Letter to my hypothetical boyfriend

I know you have secrets. I must not toughen up but smarten up. My intuition tells me things my mind likes to ignore. All around me are seers, sensitive spirits who give insight, treasures of wisdom, things ordinary people who are so consumed with regular things, just don’t see. I know you have secrets that you hide. I can feel it somewhere in my heart, these secrets that you hide. I’d like to know what these secrets are, these truths you don’t fully reveal.

I want to know I am living a truthful life. If it’s anything less than truthful and completely honest, I don’t need it. I just need truth and honesty, faith, purity. Focus on my career and the path toward complete greatness, compassion, love, freedom. That’s all I require. I let go of my past, my itchy urges to invite fear in. Anything less does not serve me and my greater purpose.

The sensation pulses through my fingertips, up into my forearms, surging from my heart center because this is my truth. This is purity. This is everything I have to offer. If we are to be together, I require honesty. You must understand that I see this. I see you. I look for evidence of your infidelity but you are a master of hiding things, or are you just really that truthful?

I’d like to know I am heard, that I am cherished as a special person, because that’s what the mother of your children needs to be, a special person. A queen. And you can be my king but you need to show me more. Show me more. Show me your hand. Are we the same beast that protects its heart at all costs until the other throws in the towel? Or are you just playing around? My instincts say you aren’t playing around but you haven’t fully let go of people from your past. I only want to make new memories with you, ones that are so much better than any you could have had before with any of those clowns who aren’t as deep as the queen I am.

Secrets. We all have them. I had them, but my heart wanted you more, so I let go of all those secrets and they weren’t secrets anymore because they no longer existed. I want to be a part of your life, greater than anyone else has been or ever will be. I’m the first. The best. The last. The only. I hope you know that.