A musician’s soul

A musician’s soul couldn’t be more sensitive. To be in tune with the deepest emotions experienced by a human being, a musician must be extremely sensitive. With that comes potential for great pain, suffering and being misunderstood, which is the trade off. I was listening to Chet Baker this morning and relating to his song, “I fall in love too easily,” as well as the song, “Everytime we say goodbye.”

Musicians/artists like him and maybe even me, want to love deeply. We are intense. Something definitely cracked within me as a child that made me always seek to close up my gap. I think people who live with pain have to do things to ease their pain like play music, write, create in any way/shape/form. It might seem like a curse/burden/certain degree of suffering, but I think it’s what comes with the territory of being a creator.

There’s something beautiful that came out of Chet Baker’s ability to express the feeling he experienced when he wanted to love a person with all his heart and maybe they didn’t return the feeling. How could normal people ever return the feelings of a deep, intuitive artist?

Lately, I’ve been playing guitar again. Regaining the dead skin on the tips of my left hand fingers, watching my veins protrude more and more every day on my hand. I am in love with music. It’s the thing that I can do every day that doesn’t feel like work, that never gets old. There’s always a new place to go, something new to learn, and it feels damn great.

When other things have grown confusing in my life, sitting with the guitar pressed against my body feels grounding, like I’m connecting to a greater source of love every time I play a new tune.

I get inspired when I hear songs. I don’t feel alone in my deep feelings.

 

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Missing my Piano

Went for a walk tonight and listened to John Mayer live which led to a night of being serenaded by the smooth sounds of Chet Baker.  I started thinking about music and how much I love it, how that’s all I wanted to do growing up. Then I got one rejection from a performing arts high school that I really wanted to go to and I took it as a sign that I wasn’t meant to do music.

It’s funny. As an adult, I’ve received so much rejection but I’ve learned to take my rejection in stride. If something is hard then it has to be worth fighting for. I sometimes wonder if I need to look at music like that again because I love it, more than most things. You know how people always say things like, if you could do one thing that you’ve always wanted to do, what would that be?

For me, it’s play in a rock band and travel.

I’m in a groovy mood tonight, thinking about music, old loves,  and my first love–the piano. From age four until sixteen, I sat at that thing for hours, nothing else mattered. I’d be sad or happy and I’d sit there caressing the keys, letting melodies come to me. When I don’t strum an instrument or get my fill of music every day, I get sad. Life isn’t worth living without music. That’s how I know I love it so.

I have a vision for my life that includes my own space with a piano present. At this time in my life I think that’s about all I need.