A new Job, new day

So last year I decided that if I was going to teach again, it was going to be something more focused, something that I really cared about and felt would make a difference. I found this organization called Enrich LA and started interning with them as a garden assistant. Fast forward to eight months later, and I’ve been hired as a Garden Ranger!

The interview was super unconventional and totally personal, you know, all those things that are against the rules to ask, but I find it rare to meet people who have the courage to go there, to find out the truth about others. The executive director of Enrich LA, Tomas, is this high energy Irish dude who immediately told me that he had two goals: to meet me and to scare me away. I was totally drawn to that because I get scared away easily by a lot of things actually. I’m pretty intuitive and I find that I’ve often interpreted my trepidation as fear rather than that gut feeling that I know better. This feeling has steered me into one of the most unexpected directions in my life but the freedom I experience everyday is beautiful, free, and essential to my being as an artist, dreamer, and spirited individual.

So I accepted the job and I’ll be teaching kids about gardening. Gardening has been one of the most essential learning tools in my life. It has taught me patience, kindness, consistency, dedication, how to identify things, when to let go, etc. I’m so excited to share this passion of mine with kids and with some adults even. I knew that I was in the right place meeting Tomas and working with this organization. Tomas says whatever he means with no filter. I have a huge filter and I asked the universe to guide me and I was answered with the opportunity to speak up, to voice my opinions, to be heard and appreciated for my heart’s efforts. I have a huge heart and I love to give. I am just so excited to move forward with this endeavor.
I find it interesting that all these really awesome amazing things have been happening since my breakup. It’s like the universe is reaffirming me that my life is way more important and there is way more for me to do than to dwell on some dude, even if I love(d) him. I think meditation has a lot to do with it as well. Every morning I wake up grateful and set the best intentions for myself and others, just by saying that I love myself, I am fulfilled, and I’m worthy. I really do wish the best for everyone. We all deserve happiness and love. It’s the only way to go around thinking.

The power of goodbye

There can be a real fear in letting go of something or someone you have held for a long time because you don’t know if you will ever find it again or be alone forever. There’s a real comfort in our bad habits that end up becoming learned behavior. We really get upset because we accept things that we know in our hearts are not what we want and resentments build, cancer forms, and there goes your life.

I was in a relationship for six years that wasn’t right. I went to Arizona because I wanted to see if I could live without him and I could. I told myself that I didn’t want to let go of the relationship because I had invested so much time and I loved him. I thought that the harder something was, it was worth the time, worth fighting for, so I held on and got more and more angry, accepted more and more.

But in all reality I was not happy. I knew what I wanted in a partner and as much as I had thought I had convinced myself that what we had was okay, it really wasn’t. Time or marriage wouldn’t have changed that. I know that now. I knew it then. I knew it from the first Christmas when he didn’t make time for me. We were always meant to be friends. Just friends, writing partners, not lovers. And we finally agreed to let it go.

One night not long after, I had a really good cry, felt it deep within my heart, like something was being ripped from me, you know the way you feel when you get sick and are detoxing something nasty from your body. The next day, you feel great. That’s how I felt.

I can honestly say that I feel better with letting go of my long-term relationship. Thirty and all. I mean, it can be scary to be a single, 30-year old woman with no kids but I feel lucky. I have no baggage.

I think of that line from the Fleetwood Mac song, “Landslide,” that goes: “I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you.” I was so afraid of letting go before for that very reason, but not anymore. There is a real power to letting go, saying goodbye, closing doors, and maintaining mystery in the future. At least I have yoga, so far the real love of my life.