Feminist Letter to my hypothetical boyfriend

I know you have secrets. I must not toughen up but smarten up. My intuition tells me things my mind likes to ignore. All around me are seers, sensitive spirits who give insight, treasures of wisdom, things ordinary people who are so consumed with regular things, just don’t see. I know you have secrets that you hide. I can feel it somewhere in my heart, these secrets that you hide. I’d like to know what these secrets are, these truths you don’t fully reveal.

I want to know I am living a truthful life. If it’s anything less than truthful and completely honest, I don’t need it. I just need truth and honesty, faith, purity. Focus on my career and the path toward complete greatness, compassion, love, freedom. That’s all I require. I let go of my past, my itchy urges to invite fear in. Anything less does not serve me and my greater purpose.

The sensation pulses through my fingertips, up into my forearms, surging from my heart center because this is my truth. This is purity. This is everything I have to offer. If we are to be together, I require honesty. You must understand that I see this. I see you. I look for evidence of your infidelity but you are a master of hiding things, or are you just really that truthful?

I’d like to know I am heard, that I am cherished as a special person, because that’s what the mother of your children needs to be, a special person. A queen. And you can be my king but you need to show me more. Show me more. Show me your hand. Are we the same beast that protects its heart at all costs until the other throws in the towel? Or are you just playing around? My instincts say you aren’t playing around but you haven’t fully let go of people from your past. I only want to make new memories with you, ones that are so much better than any you could have had before with any of those clowns who aren’t as deep as the queen I am.

Secrets. We all have them. I had them, but my heart wanted you more, so I let go of all those secrets and they weren’t secrets anymore because they no longer existed. I want to be a part of your life, greater than anyone else has been or ever will be. I’m the first. The best. The last. The only. I hope you know that.

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The power of goodbye

There can be a real fear in letting go of something or someone you have held for a long time because you don’t know if you will ever find it again or be alone forever. There’s a real comfort in our bad habits that end up becoming learned behavior. We really get upset because we accept things that we know in our hearts are not what we want and resentments build, cancer forms, and there goes your life.

I was in a relationship for six years that wasn’t right. I went to Arizona because I wanted to see if I could live without him and I could. I told myself that I didn’t want to let go of the relationship because I had invested so much time and I loved him. I thought that the harder something was, it was worth the time, worth fighting for, so I held on and got more and more angry, accepted more and more.

But in all reality I was not happy. I knew what I wanted in a partner and as much as I had thought I had convinced myself that what we had was okay, it really wasn’t. Time or marriage wouldn’t have changed that. I know that now. I knew it then. I knew it from the first Christmas when he didn’t make time for me. We were always meant to be friends. Just friends, writing partners, not lovers. And we finally agreed to let it go.

One night not long after, I had a really good cry, felt it deep within my heart, like something was being ripped from me, you know the way you feel when you get sick and are detoxing something nasty from your body. The next day, you feel great. That’s how I felt.

I can honestly say that I feel better with letting go of my long-term relationship. Thirty and all. I mean, it can be scary to be a single, 30-year old woman with no kids but I feel lucky. I have no baggage.

I think of that line from the Fleetwood Mac song, “Landslide,” that goes: “I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you.” I was so afraid of letting go before for that very reason, but not anymore. There is a real power to letting go, saying goodbye, closing doors, and maintaining mystery in the future. At least I have yoga, so far the real love of my life.

Long Distance Love

I have been in Arizona for almost one year. I came here last May and started this blog. It’s been really awesome and I almost don’t want to go back to Los Angeles because I feel very detached from all prior worries yet still full of love from my best friends and family. It’s strange. I didn’t think I would feel that way coming here because you know, you leave your home state and city that you’ve lived in your whole life and go somewhere new with no expectations, so you don’t know what you are getting into. But somehow I made it through nearly four seasons of Arizona, including one hell of a summer.

Coming here last May I just jumped right in with an open mind but of course made sure I rooted myself in my yoga practice. I have to say my yoga practice has kept me going and vitalized. And wherever I go, it’s one thing I cannot live without.

I guess I’ve been feeling a little weird about leaving this place because I cultivated a beautiful peace, learned and discovered so much while being here: Kombucha making, blogging, detox dieting, A Course in Miracles, growth in my yoga practice, and even a more disciplined writing practice, and truly enjoying the company of myself.

I absolutely love, love, love being in solitude. It’s how we introverts recharge. We can be around people sure, but being in solitude is how we get that energy back. So I’m really grateful for this time that I have because I get to think and be with myself.

And a word on long distance relationships, hey, I did it. I’m doing it. It can be done. It’s hard sometimes but for the most part I recommend it if you are thinking about marrying someone. If you can live without that person and still be in love, then that’s a great thing. My relationship actually grew stronger while I was away because I got more focused on myself rather than whether or not my relationship was going anywhere, but we talk nearly every day and I don’t even trip when we don’t because I know we are busy with good reason. I give him the space he needs to get it together and he gives me mine. No jealousy, no expectations, no worries.

People are unhappy in relationships when they don’t like their own individual lives.

Doing long distance gives you the time you need to focus on you and what you need rather than worry about what the relationship needs or lacks, or whatever. I’m in my late 20’s so I have a lot of girlfriends who are either getting married, or wanting to get married and sort of worried about it. I think when you stop worrying about all that mumbo jumbo and focus on yourself, then it’s not an issue. I always ask myself whenever I’ve worried about marriage: Are you really where you want to be in your life?

And then I say, no and it immediately snaps me out of that and I just go back to my life, and remember, oh yea, I have goals, duh!

I had these thoughts today as I thought about what it would be like for me when I return to Los Angeles in the spring. I want to feel positive about my actions. I’m extremely grateful to be here right now. I just want to continue feeling positive about moving home to assist my grandmother because she needs the help.

No matter where I go, I am with myself and I will carry the love I worked to cultivate.